Aunt Harmonium is suing her neighbour after being bitten by one of the street dogs he lately insisted on feeding outside his gate. Lately, because after a chat with two of The Man’s steely-eyed heavies he quickly saw the error of his ways.
The Man has now arranged extensive press coverage of the case by a national media group in exchange for an exclusive no-holds-barred interview regarding his political ambitions and forthright views on how to dig the country out of the hole it’s in.
He sees both the case and interview as ideal opportunities to champion good governance, civil rights, civic responsibility and—ironically, all things considered—the rule of law. These issues, he knows, are uppermost in the minds of the people, as well as leading the charge on Twitter.
The Man has therefore engaged a top PR and media consultant to a) iron out the wrinkles in his CV, and b) create and burnish a reputation as The Man Who Cares! Supporting damsels in distress in their demands for justice will thus be front and centre in a future election campaign.
To this end he has engaged a well-connected, no-expense-spared President’s Council, who is pursuing Aunt Harmonium’s miscreant neighbour for damages, personal injury, trauma, reckless endangerment, causing alarm and distress, and disturbing the peace.
Last week he had his first face-to-face with the much-aggrieved aunt, who now sees herself as a standard bearer for mistreated women fighting for their rights in a man’s world, etc etc. She has prepared a press release to that effect, and has bought a new outfit in anticipation of her first TV appearance.
The PC is in two minds about this grandstanding on the grounds it might antagonise the judge. But what the hell, he thinks, in for a penny, in for a pound, as Rumpole of the Bailey might have said. Win or lose, I’ll get some useful professional mileage and pocket a hefty fee—and you never know, one day The Man might be a politician worth cultivating…
So he’s been walking Aunt Harmonium step by step through her witness statement. Start from the beginning, he said. What exactly happened that day?
Well, she said, I’m an early riser and it was a lovely sunny morning so I decided to hang out some washing after my usual breakfast of toast and Marmite and then the phone rang and it was my nephew Diogenes Fernando telling me about how he…
Yes yes, said the PC, but can we please fast forward to the moment just before you got bitten by the dog? What led up to that? How did that unfortunate encounter ensue?
Well, said Aunt Harmonium, I had finished breakfast and hung out the washing and decided to pop down to the shop for some hair dye and there was this pack of dogs milling around outside my neighbours gate and I had to walk past them and one of them a big mangy vicious brute ran up and bit me on the leg and ripped my tights there was blood everywhere so I screamed and hit it with my umbrella and then I went to hospital and…
The PC sighed. I’m going to earn that hefty fee with this one, he thinks, but the media will love it, assuming it actually gets to court after the pre-trial hearing and the judge doesn’t throw it out.
He squared his shoulders. So, he asked, what was your neighbour doing while all this was going on, and why do you think it was all his fault..?