It has now dawned on Diogenes Fernando that his new best friend in Caracas, one Fidel Fernandez Fernando, whom he first met at the Cuba Libre taverna five years ago, has more than just hail-fellow-well-met on his mind. His suspicions were confirmed when Fidel suggested they switch to an email phone app that has NSA-grade encryption, guarantees total anonymity, and includes its own secure VPN.

 This was just days after Fidel’s first email arrived out of the blue four weeks ago. Diogenes and loan-shark Boris ‘The Bite’ Fernando were in Caracas as a last-minute stand-in backing combo for Jango ‘Mano Fresca’ Fernando, a noted Hikkaduwa-born flamenco guitarist now living above a bar in Spain.

Uncle Jango was guest-starring at the three-day ‘¡Vivo Flamenco Venezolano!’ event hosted by the Venezuelan branch of ¡Fernandos Del Mundo Unidos! (Fernandos Of The World United!), better known as FeDeMun.

During a late drinking session at the Caña Coño nightclub behind Avenida Casanova, Diogenes had revealed that his fleet of tuk-tuks provides a discrete 24-hour delivery service for The Man. Meanwhile, The Bite had loudly boasted that he was one of the biggest backstreet moneylenders in Sri Lanka. Unbeknownst to either of them at the time, one of their fellow revellers was Carlos ‘La Mordida’ Fernando, born and raised in a notorious bordello on Calle Colombia in the heart of Catia, a wildwest bario where life is cheaper than a kilo of arepa cornflour.

Fidel has confessed that La Mordida is in roughly the same line of business as The Bite, and is generally regarded as thoroughly mad, bad and dangerous to know. He is also the nephew of El Hombre, a much feared Caracas gangster with political connections who now wishes to expand his import-export business into Asia. At some point during that fateful evening, Diogenes and The Bite had been introduced to the local underworld’s preferred version of Cuba Libre, the rum-and-coke thirst quencher beloved of middleclass sofa revolutionaries and Hooray Henries the world over.

Delivered to the table by scantily clad beauties Oilda and Delores amidst much ribald nudging and winking, it consisted of large shots of Diplomático Reserva Exclusiva, each accompanied by two inches of sealed milkshake straw containing a gram of best-quality Colombian marching powder.

“And there’s much more where that came from”, shouted La Mordida above the rising hubbub, as Oilda began massaging Diogenes’ back and Dolores slowly ran her fingers through The Bite’s hair. “Enjoy..!” So now Fidel is urging Diogenes and The Bite to front a Colombo branch of FeDeMun—FeDeLanka, perhaps?—which would itself very likely be a front for seriously nefarious activities that would almost certainly land them in serious trouble with other interested parties, not to mention the CID.

Yesterday, in a hastily convened meeting at the Feisty Fisherman, they reluctantly agreed that The Man would have to be told, because if he found out any other way he would jump to all the right conclusions, which would not be good for their health. The trouble is, he might think FeDeLanka would be good for business in these difficult and turbulent times, which would put Diogenes and The Bite firmly between a rock and a hard place. What to do..? To be continued…