Diogenes Fernando is lying low on his cousin’s up-country pig farm after being told by The Man that he’s the fall guy for if—or more likely when—their illicit CatAstrophe asset-relocation fund gets busted by the FIU.
The decision to head for the hills was triggered by a full and frank heart-to-heart with the banker buddy, who is himself busy covering his tracks while angling for a top job at the CBSL.
His advice to Diogenes was: go while the going’s good—an opinion shared by famed west-coast astrologer and fellow CatAstrophe trustee Madam Moonbeam. In fact, having read the runes that very morning, she was even more forthright: leave now, she said, while you still can!
Despite his reluctance to join the stampede for the exit, Diogenes was forced to admit that the writing on the wall couldn’t be more clear. And it spelled out a warning it would be foolish to ignore.
So now he’s slumming it with the pigs. Or is he? Because the day after he arrived his cousin revealed a master plan that left Diogenes open-mouthed in shocked admiration. Shocked because he never thought said cousin had it in him, and admiration because he never believed him capable of such entrepreneurial audacity.
The plan is simple: start an industrial-scale five-star under-covers cannabis farm in anticipation of the government making it legal to cultivate ‘medicinal’ marijuana for export.
It will use state-of-the-art hydroponics and grow lights powered 24/7 by electricity from generators running on pig-poo methane. This will boost production while significantly cutting costs, a clear winner in a competitive global market. In short, said the cousin, a dung foo slam dunk!
At least, that’s the plan. But first, he said, we need investors with the vision and foresight to grasp the nettle of a startup joint venture poised to take flight and scale new heights of private enterprise, blah blah, etc etc, not seen since, well, since ever.
Which is where you come in, he told a befuddled Diogenes. Your CatAstrophe client list is a veritable who’s-who of top black-money movers and shakers who would surely jump at the chance of a dalliance with Mary Jane!
Diogenes is at a loss for words. The whole idea is completely preposterous, he thinks—but then again, so was founding an illicit asset-relocation fund on the back of a welfare charity for abandoned street cats.
Thus it might just work, if properly managed. So, he said, give me a couple of days to think about it, while you draw up a detailed business plan, including costings, suppliers and feasibility study, and I’ll get back to you.
Meanwhile, The Man is working on his own master plan for if or when he manoeuvres himself into parliament as an independent MP with the backing of a certain well-connected business tycoon.
And not just any old run-of-the-mill MP. His sights are set on taking over the helm of the tourism ministry, where he believes his talents will be best appreciated, not to say rewarded.
He’s thinking of promotional trips to Dubai, Singapore, Montreal, New York, Melbourne, Moscow, Beijing, Delhi, Tokyo, London and sundry European capitals, all with ample opportunities for making lucrative business connections.
As he ponders his future he recalls the fighting words of the late unlamented Oliver Cromwell: Not only strike while the iron is hot, but make it hot by striking…