Two days ago, The Man had a hush-hush meeting with a government lawyer who had tried to come over all Harvey Specter, that ruthless hard-ass legal eagle with a hint of menace from the Suits TV show.
And because The Man is an actual ruthless hard-ass with a proven track record of real menace, things got off to a bad start. It only calmed down when the posturing legal beagle saw that intimidation wasn’t going to work, apologised, and explained what the meeting was about.
Treasury ministers and central bank officials, he said, are alarmed by this recent Times of London headline:
“Stablecoins have central banks in a panic—Bank of England and ECB issue dire warnings about asset-backed cryptocurrencies, which threaten monetary sovereignty.”
The bottom line, he said, is that we know all about your new CatCryptTrophy crypto-asset-management fund and its questionable associations, and we will agree to leave it and you alone if you agree to help us out.
First, he said, may I remind you that as an appointed National List MP you are notionally at least expected to provide expertise sadly lacking among elected members. Which means you can be unappointed, with attendant consequences, if you fail to live up to that expectation. Need I say more…?
He need not. The Man didn’t get to where he is today by getting into fights he can’t win.
Of course, he said, it would absolutely and without question be an honour and a privilege to do whatever I can to help the government in its hour of need! Anything at all! You only have to name it!
Second, continued the lawyer, this conversation is strictly off the record, and by strictly I mean that if even a hint of it leaks there will be the severest of severe repercussions. Again, need I say more…?
Excellent, he said. Right. So here’s the deal. We want you, as someone on the other side of the crypto fence, so to speak, to advise a select group of ministers and central bank officials. Someone who can talk the talk among shady crypto exchanges, and deal one-to-one with them.
As you may know, he said, Sri Lanka has agreed to register crypto providers as part of its commitment to international anti-money laundering and counter-terrorism financing standards.
Your job will be to keep us informed of dealings in the local crypto market. Who’s buying and selling, the amounts, the conduits, and likely asset-parking arrangements, etc etc. In short: who, what, how, where, and when. Understood?
Fast forward to today. The Man is in a huddle with the banker buddy to discuss this disastrous turn of events.
They’ve got me over a barrel,” he moans. “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t! If it gets out I’m spying for the government, and it’s bound to because government officials leak like sieves, no one will trust me! We’ll be finished in the crypto business! And I might even end up dead in a ditch.